Who Am I?

It was a childhood dream, one that I loved well,

A fairy-tale story that I’d heard someone tell

I’d see it at nights, as I lay in my bed

With visions of stethoscopes inside my head

White coats beat tiaras at dress-up games

And I referred to bacteria by their scientific names

It was a future that I never stopped dreaming

Planning and plotting and aiming and scheming

Mapping my life with this solitary goal

Paying no heed to the upcoming toll

–

And then I was there, that placed I’d dreamt of,

Doing the work I’d envied and loved

The road that I trod was rocky at first

I made mistakes, and that made things worse

I remember the time when a patient couldn’t hear

And so I leant closer, and said, in his ear,

“What is your name, Sir? Why have you come?”

But he remained mute; to instinct I succumbed,

I shouted, “WHO ARE YOU, SIR? WHY ARE YOU HERE?”

Much to the amusement of everyone else who could hear

I can’t quite remember what happened to him

Only that the prognosis was guarded and grim

But the question resounded time after time

My friends thought it funny, a well-intentioned crime

But the question would return in more ways than one

A reminder of battles that can never be won

–

And now I am older, and roam down the halls

A world that seemed big now feels stiflingly small

At times, I feel useless, a harbinger of doom

I see tears, fear, and sadness when I walk into rooms

I thought I could help, but help is deceiving

The help that I bring depends on people believing

That I carry hope, when all I have left are lies

Each time I think we’ve won, another hope dies

At night I see the stars; they watch me from their place

High upon the firmament, revelling in space

Can they even see me? Would they try to, if they could?

And what would they think, if they saw? Bad or good?

Sometimes I play-pretend they can hear

And I shout, “WHO AM I?” and “WHY AM I HERE?”

But there is no answer — there never has been

I’m lost and alone; nothing’s what it once seemed

I stumble through life, beneath the unfeeling sky

Without an answer to my question, namely just who am I?r

Ghost

My eyes are hollow, black bags hanging beneath,

Sleep brings nightmares, no sign of relief

I feel like a zombie, raised to die once again,

Trudging along on this road alone with no sign of end

The days and nights blur together without a break between

Asleep, awake, I see mistakes, and things that might have been

Feet dragging on the floor, I roam down hallways like a ghost

To passersby, I rule the world, but lack what I need most

Deep within my hollow chest, no red blood-filled heart beats

It leaves me feeling empty, lost, numb, and incomplete

Another creature of the night who Fate hides from the sun

Both of us wishing (alas! in vain) that the past could be undone

When I pass a kindred spirit, it’s like catching my reflection,

Any inquiry into health or spirit is met with vague deflection

Our eyes rimmed red spy soulless chests, and we both feel at home

Pausing there but for a moment before continuing on alone

Gazing into the blackest night is like looking in a mirror

I close my eyes and feel the wind, heralding our doomsday nearer

Frowns and tears and sallowed cheeks make for strange companions, in the end

But they are constants, the closest things in this world that we have to friends

Like ghosts we float and write and see the things that would make good souls cry

How many times more must we shatter before we, too, may die?

Trudging on the road set forth without time to deflate or discuss,

We are invisible ghosts bearing witness, for no one ever sees us

Bright Eyes

The sun that burns in the sapphire sky

Is rivalled only by a young child’s eye

The light that burns within the young

Spells nothing by trouble as life rolls on

Because I have learnt that the saddest sight

Is watching a child burn out its eyes’ light

They fade out fast, but once they do,

It’s a damage time can never undo.

Derision

On a lonely, quiet, moonlit night,

I grabbed my shoes, and stumbled outside

Just for a glance at the twinkling stars

And their tiny eyes, watching me from afar

Twinkling with derision, mocking my hope,

For I’ve seen so much no one knows how I cope

Least of all the stars, who judge me for my fear

Of the ill-lit days I knew yesteryear

But I love the stars, though they might not love me,

They twinkle and dance in their black velvet sea

They live with abandon, like I never can,

They’re free, without fear of beast or man

The stars are forever, and never give in

To Death’s fatal touch, a fight I cannot win

Do they mock my mortality? There’s no way to know

But they are a constant, and that gives me hope

So when I am battered and bruised and dismayed

I think of the stars I saw yesterday

I think of their lights, twinkling in the sky

And I think of the past, and it makes me cry

The future’s forever, but what’s gone is gone

Just like my mistakes, all the things I did wrong

And the stars might judge, but that is their right

Not all of us live in a diamond of light

And so let me grieve, let me bask in my pity

The stars will watch on, from their own celestial city

Her

It’s the smallest things
That make us cry
That make us scream
And wonder why
It’s the smell of her shirts
And the hairs on her brush
And the long, lonely nights
When I can’t feel her touch
A bed colder than ice
The blood drains from my heart
The cruel hand of Fate
Has ripped us apart
I can’t bear the silence
I can’t feel the pain
I sit all alone
And cry with the rain
She’s not in the bathroom
She’s not on the bed
She’s not anywhere
She’s gone ’cause she’s dead
And I hear her voice
On the answering machine
And I see her photo
In a school magazine
And I feel her near me
Though she’s far, far away
No comfort can reach me
So I’ll lie here and pray
Her shoes in the closet
Her socks in the drawer
Make me wonder what exactly
We’re all living for
Her bag by my keys
Her combs next to mine
Have now formed for me
The holiest of shrines
Yes, she’s gone far away
And I’m here all alone
But with all these memories
I can’t be on my own
The very air is haunted
Everywhere is Her
So I’ll just hold my breath
Until a new disaster occurs

The Other Side

In the middle of the night, I’m rudely awakened
By an eerie blend of sounds
The shakes and moans and shivering feet
Which race across the ground
It’s like a nightmare, except it’s real
And I can’t stop from sighing
Because the sounds which fill my ears
Make sleep feel like I’m dying
I turn to face you, sheets cover my eyes
But I know that you’re scared
Your nightmare keeps me wide awake
Inside the bed we share
It’s not my nightmare, I know it’s yours
So I stretch across the bed
To comfort you in your despair, but
Your side is cold and empty, instead
You’re my nightmare, and I’m all alone
There’s no one here to feel
When I’m afraid in the middle of the night
And all my dreams seem real
If I could touch you just one more time
Then the nightmares would subside
But I know I can’t, so I’ll lie here
And miss you on the other side

The Batman

Like the Caped Crusader himself you

Fly into my dreams and arrest my train

Of thoughts just before it flies of the cliff but

As soon as the sun touches my eyes I

Find that you’re gone, just a shadow in my

Imagination, another ghost in my past.

It’s five seconds to midnight, and all of my lights

Are flickering as the bombs count down my final

Seconds of living and you’re battling the Joker on

Top of the building and I wonder if you can see me all the

Way down here, if you even know me or care that

It’s my life you’re fighting for even though you’ve

Never met me and I only see you in my dreams.

But you’re too late, I’m already broken, the

Shards of my soul have been scattered by a different

Villain, and there’s nothing left for you to save but the

Ashes that could fit in a pill bottle if you really tried.

So fly into the night and save some other girl because

This one’s already broken and her love is broken, too.

I’m just another broken dreamer waiting at the

Window for a superhero to appear, but no superhero

Wants a girl whose too far gone to ever be whole again.

Fragile Wings

Hi there, little dragonfly

Don’t let summer pass you by

Turn your cartwheels in my yard

Flying freely while I fall hard

Wings as fragile as our love

Wings reflect the sun above

A summer fling that feels so real

Your wings on mine is all I feel

A suspended time zone where only  we

Can hide like we were meant to be

 

But you could fly, and I could not

You left me alone with my dragonfly thoughts

Now all of the dragonflies I can see

Remind me of what we used to be

But don’t come back now, what’s passed is past

I should have known it was too good to last

Your memory soon will fade away

Like all dragonflies do at the end of day

But, until that sweet time, I’ll just sit here and dream

Of a dragonfly love that was never meant to be

Butterfly Girl

A.N. I suppose this one could be a song, too. 

 

One bright summer morning,

I met a butterfly girl

She popped out of a cocoon

And gave her big wings a whirl

I was blinded by colour

And love filled my heart

A love that grew stronger

Until we fell apart

 

She was a butterfly girl

She didn’t stick around

She left me as soon as

Her feet left the ground

She was a butterfly girl

She flew into the sun

She faded with the rain

She left faster than I could run

 

On that bright summer morning

When I met my butterfly girl

She told me she loved me

She was meant for my world

I gave her a garden

And I gave her my heart

But it didn’t matter

She still ripped both apart

 

She was a butterfly girl

She left me alone

As soon as she could

As soon as she was grown

She was a butterfly girl

She blossomed with summer

But just before winter

She left with another

 

She was a butterfly girl

She was never meant for me

Our fairy-tale garden

Was never meant to be

She was a butterfly girl

She’s got wings all of her own

And now, my butterfly girl

Has left me all alone

Butterfly in Your Pocket

The darkest summer I’ve ever known

Was spent in silence, lost and alone

You walked out on me, and I’ve never been right

Since we parted our ways on that cold, lonely night

I was only a toy, really nothing at all,

You never looked back, and I never called

But the pain lingers on, like an cankerous bite

And whenever we meet, we’re just strangers in the night

 

But I see you in my dreams, and you’re dressed in white

There’s a butterfly in your pocket, the one on the right

Its glittering wings shine on your face in a way

That makes me feel heaven isn’t too far away

 

But you are no angel; you’re a butterfly, that’s true

Your presence is beautiful, but it’s short-lived, too

You’re here, then gone, in the blink of an eye

Without even answering my one question: “Why?”

 

The summer is colder than I ever thought it could be

There’s no angel or prince who will come and save me

I can’t feel this pain, no, I have to be strong

But why does it hurt if this pain is so wrong?

I saw a butterfly in the window, and it made me think of you

And how we were together and you said you loved me, too

But you couldn’t have loved me, no, that was just a lie

Because you turned and left me before I could ask “Why?”

 

I dreamt of you last night, stranger that you are,

There was a butterfly in your pocket, glowing like a star

I saw your face stare through me, like you didn’t know my name

If I didn’t know better, I’d say it’s just a game

 

There’s a butterfly in your pocket, the one on the right

It lights my way to morning, guards me through the night

But when my eyes are opened, I remember you are gone

Faded with the watercolours of a summer’s early dawn